Fears, Nightmares and Heatwave

We are having a heatwave here in Belgium. The mercury is climbing up to 33 degrees during the days. That is making my brain melt and I am starting to look like a piece of butter someone forgot on the sofa for a day; I droop. Good thing the computer is still functioning and keeps me entertained with all sorts of stupidity.

Having my hand plastered has also given me time to get my melting brain working, as much as it can in these temperatures. So here you have it, a very useless blog post:

I have the habit of seeming fearless. You know, all that stuff of moving abroad, getting into new things and going alone into places, climbing mountains and what ever not. To be honest, I am often scared to bits, as I think every normal person is. The thing is, that the will to learn and curiosity are often so much stronger that I end up doing and going. It is not so much about not feeling the fears, it is about what you do with them.

One thing is the moving abroad part. I was scared. Oh so very scared. I was only moving to Belgium, not really a completely strange culture or environment. Could have been Saudi Arabia, you know, but still. I was afraid, irrationally, to stay in Finland, but at the same time I was scared of moving. So I ran through things. I think I thought that our relationship was either going to work out or fail, it didn’t matter if I moved sooner, or later. So, the heck with it, I chose sooner, didn’t want to waste time. Plus, there was less time to be petrified that way. All ended well, so risk worth taking. Now I am just scared of Belgian roads and traffic, the sissy that I am.

One of the other things is the buggy sport that we do. Almost every time I am a little nervous, if not scared, to climb in and drive. But often the sessions that make me poop my pants also give out the most. Those are the days I learn from. I think that is quite often the case when you hop on and do something even though you are afraid of doing it, no? You also may end up breaking an arm, but never mind that.

Sardinia, Hiking girl, Top

On top of the world, well, close enough.

Oumph, nightmares then. I don’t really sleep well in the smoldering heat, our house is one of those old ones, that turn into baking ovens at some point of summer, and so, nightmares come!

I am floating a little at the moment, when it comes to future. The only certain thing is that I need a new job. Some of you might remember how I was determined to go and study myself a psychology degree. Well, to do that, I need money, turns out, it is not completely cheap to study. Then there is the massive uncertainty, of where we are going to be within the next few years. Oh dear, living here, in Finland, somewhere in Europe or in the back bush of Australia, who knows. So, it is rather difficult for me to make the decision of where to start the studying. Time to start learning some long term planning, maybe… Waffle is being so great, being his loving self and standing by my side through all this, as I have not really been the best of girlfriends lately.

Related to future views, there was this occasion of me writing my CV and application letter in Finnish for the first time in maybe 3 years. That is a long time to live without using your mother tongue in an official context. So, I got my good old friend of a nightmare visiting me again. I think it stems mainly for my living abroad, outside of my native language. The nightmare drops me off to a situation where I am fast to realize I can’t speak any English anymore, nor Finnish. I am basically mute. It is an absolutely horrible feeling to wake up to, especially if it pares up with those days when your head jams and you are literally unable to produce a complete sentence in any language.

While writing this I had to pop into the shower twice, to cool down my feet. I destroyed the remnants of an ice cream bucket (oh, blobbery life, I am coming!) and shoveled down some very nice home made iced mint tea, mmm! So, how do you guys tolerate heat? Does you brain go for a holiday on the beach, or does it jump onto over drive of useless pondering?

I’ll continue melting and marathoning through Six feet under.



6 thoughts on “Fears, Nightmares and Heatwave

  1. From the winter of southern hemisphere that 33 degrees sounds like heaven, but I can imagine it can be just the opposite. 😀 However I feel your situation about the uncertain future as I’m also in a place where I have no idea where we’ll be within one year from now. It is a bit stressful and scary but exciting too! Just have to try and take one thing at a time, then everything doesn’t seem so huge chunk to bite into, I guess. Kyllä se elämä kantaa! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yeah, I was just dreaming of being in Finland, you know, +12 and rainy, and then hop in a nice hot sauna. Not many things would be better right now 😀

      And indeed, the uncertain future, for me, it is also about not being able to cherry pick, on what I actually want to be doing eventually. I guess I’ll grow up someday and become a unicorn.. Or not. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sauna would indeed be perfect at the moment! Maybe ice swimming for you instead. 😀 Yup, somehow it’s much nicer when there are many options to choose from… Quite a privilege 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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